So I'm writing a research paper

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So I'm writing a research paper

Post by gamemasterAS » Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:32 pm

Who wants to pick over it a bit and point out mistakes. It's on censoring of the internet. I'm almost done with my first draft, no conclusion yet however.

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     The internet is the single largest collective of information in all existence. No other time in history has such a recourse been available. The world cannot allow for something of such great grandeur to crumble under misguided opinions of minorities. Although leaving the internet uncensored has been opposed, it should remain uncensored because this allows for the free and instantaneous flow of vast amounts of information.
     Over the last twenty years the internet has been attacked relentlessly by governments, businesses and parents. In 1998 the FCC began forcing the implementation of rules of the CIPA or Children’s Internet protection Act. These laws required that any school or Library getting federal funding must censor what they provide over the internet (Federal Communications Commision). This censoring was implemented with things such as web filters. The censoring consisted of anything that could be deemed harmful or offensive to minors. This consists of inappropriate matter, electronic mail, chat rooms, unlawful online activities, and material deemed harmful for minors (Federal Communications Commision). However “An authorized person may disable the blocking or filtering measure during any use by an adult to enable access for bona fide research or other lawful purposes.” (Federal Communications Commision). In some other nations internet censorship is much harsher and forced upon the entire populace. For example in Iran blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been held since 2005 for insulting the Supreme Guide Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Currently fifteen countries are on a list with Iran as being enemies of the internet by Reporters Without Borders (The 15 enemies of the Internet and other countries to watch). The countries consist of Belarus, Burma, China, Cuba, Iran, Liyba, The Maldives, Nepal, North Korea, Sudia Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. Wither on the home front or abroad the internet is being threatened. 
     The internet is the world largest collective of all types of information ever conceived.  For reference “If you converted all the text in the Library of Congress into digital format, it would equal about 20 terabytes (or 20,000 copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica). In October 2001, the Internet Archive's collection of online data contained about 10 billion web pages -- over 100 terabytes of data and growing.” (Does the Library of Congress keep a copy of every book ever printed?). The sheer amount of information like culture, scientific studies, recipes and most of what you could conceive is someplace on the internet. The idea that any of that could be lost forever by censorship is appalling. Mankind has created something amazing and because of political, religious and other views that creation it is threatened. Just the sheer availability of  this information is incredible. Saying the average household has 100 books would most likely be generous. But at anytime these households could have access to 10 billion pages of data. Luckily in the United States the 1st Amendment grantees freedom of the press. While some activists for web censoring ignore this it is the savoir of free internet. Due to the first amendment it would be un-constitutional to support censoring the internet in the homes of the US population. As long as the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court stand the internet will remain un-censored. Censoring the internet also leads to a breakdown of the free market economy. If the U.S. were to decide USPS was in trouble and therefore starts blocking DHL and FedEx’s websites it would prohibit capitalism. Another scenario could be the censoring of information about the Middle East. With this wealth of information gone, propaganda would become one of the largest sources of information. Knowing what the culture of the Middle East really was would become exponentially harder and could cause misguided hate and racism. 
     The strongest counter argument to a free internet in most people’s eyes is children’s protection. People believe if the government does not censor the internet their child or others could become mental damaged or come in contact with danger. However, it is the parent’s responsibility to censor what their children see. An online reviewing site reviews seven different applications alone for censoring the internet on home computers (Rubenking). The masses should not have their movement restricted on the internet because parents are too concerned with what their children may encounter. The second most plausible argument is the access of guides for criminal activity online. What should be made of that, however, is that the point is mute. Anyone who plans on committing a crime is going to commit it guide or not. If they were really so inclined to do it well they would just find someone who’s experienced. Regardless of that, people have the right to read and produce these guides all they want. Censoring the internet so they couldn’t get these guides would simply be un-constitutional and fruitless. 
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by kibble » Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:45 pm

gamemasterAS wrote:For example in Iran blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been held since 2005 for insulting the Supreme Guide Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
This needs a comma between Iran and blogger; it sounds run on.
gamemasterAS wrote:As long as the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court stand the internet will remain un-censored.


Run on sentence. Need comma between stand and the.
gamemasterAS wrote:Mankind has created something amazing and because of political, religious and other views that creation it is threatened.


Need comma between views and that. Also, the end doesn't seem to need "it" it could just read: " ....religious and other views, that creation is threatened."

How's that for grammar Nazi? :lol: May have missed some other minor mistakes, but I'll let someone else take a shot.
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by gamemasterAS » Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:02 pm

kibble wrote:
gamemasterAS wrote:For example in Iran blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been held since 2005 for insulting the Supreme Guide Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
This needs a comma between Iran and blogger; it sounds run on.
gamemasterAS wrote:As long as the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court stand the internet will remain un-censored.


Run on sentence. Need comma between stand and the.
gamemasterAS wrote:Mankind has created something amazing and because of political, religious and other views that creation it is threatened.


Need comma between views and that. Also, the end doesn't seem to need "it" it could just read: " ....religious and other views, that creation is threatened."

How's that for grammar Nazi? :lol: May have missed some other minor mistakes, but I'll let someone else take a shot.
Thank you, changes made accordingly.
.

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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by bassmasta » Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:13 pm

So, umm....I went a little crazy with the editing. The parts in bold I've explained, and the underlined is just grammar/spelling errors.
gamemasterAS wrote:The internet is the single largest collective of information in all existence. No other time in history has such a recourse been available. The world cannot allow for something of such great grandeur to crumble under misguided opinions of minorities. Although leaving the internet uncensored has been opposed, it should remain uncensored because this allows for the free and instantaneous flow of vast amounts of information.
1. You make this jump to this bold statement-seems like give information on how you formed that idea.
gamemasterAS wrote: Over the last twenty years the internet has been attacked relentlessly by governments, businesses and parents. In 1998 the FCC began forcing the implementation of rules of the CIPA or Children’s Internet protection Act. These laws required that any school or Library getting federal funding must censor what they provide over the internet (Federal Communications Commision). This censoring was implemented with things such as web filters. The censoring consisted of anything that could be deemed harmful or offensive to minors. This consists of inappropriate matter, electronic mail, chat rooms, unlawful online activities, and material deemed harmful for minors (Federal Communications Commision). However “An authorized person may disable the blocking or filtering measure during any use by an adult to enable access for bona fide research or other lawful purposes.” (Federal Communications Commision). In some other nations internet censorship is much harsher and forced upon the entire populace. For example in Iran blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been held since 2005 for insulting the Supreme Guide Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Currently fifteen countries are on a list with Iran as being enemies of the internet by Reporters Without Borders (The 15 enemies of the Internet and other countries to watch). The countries consist of Belarus, Burma, China, Cuba, Iran, Liyba, The Maldives, Nepal, North Korea, Sudia Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. Wither on the home front or abroad the internet is being threatened.
1. Explain FCC first, then you can refer to it as FCC later.
2. I try to avoid things, stuff, etc. Maybe use “tools?”
3. Sounds kind of iffy IMO. Maybe “The censoring includes any material…”
4. Possibly combine sentences? e.g. “…offensive to minors, including inappropriate…”
5. Should there be quotes-Is this a citation? Maybe you could include it into the sentence. When you paraphrase, I think you only need to cite after you’re done paraphrasing.
6. Need comma, but I’d rephrase it to say “For example, blogger xxx has been held in Iran…” or “Iranian blogger xxx….”
7. Is without capitalized?
8. Is this a citation?
9. Maybe use a semicolon?

I'll add more in a newer post if you want. I can also critique your essay if you want-I've been focusing on grammar. (This helps me in AP English-which I'm having trouble with).

(Am I beating Kibble for the Grammar Nazi award? :P )
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by aceboy44 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:36 pm

I prefer you guys focus more on the content of the paper rather than grammer, as that's where you will get most of the points.....

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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by gamemasterAS » Mon Mar 29, 2010 3:50 pm

bassmasta wrote:So, umm....I went a little crazy with the editing. The parts in bold I've explained, and the underlined is just grammar/spelling errors.
gamemasterAS wrote:The internet is the single largest collective of information in all existence. No other time in history has such a recourse been available. The world cannot allow for something of such great grandeur to crumble under misguided opinions of minorities. Although leaving the internet uncensored has been opposed, it should remain uncensored because this allows for the free and instantaneous flow of vast amounts of information.
1. You make this jump to this bold statement-seems like give information on how you formed that idea.
gamemasterAS wrote: Over the last twenty years the internet has been attacked relentlessly by governments, businesses and parents. In 1998 the FCC began forcing the implementation of rules of the CIPA or Children’s Internet protection Act. These laws required that any school or Library getting federal funding must censor what they provide over the internet (Federal Communications Commision). This censoring was implemented with things such as web filters. The censoring consisted of anything that could be deemed harmful or offensive to minors. This consists of inappropriate matter, electronic mail, chat rooms, unlawful online activities, and material deemed harmful for minors (Federal Communications Commision). However “An authorized person may disable the blocking or filtering measure during any use by an adult to enable access for bona fide research or other lawful purposes.” (Federal Communications Commision). In some other nations internet censorship is much harsher and forced upon the entire populace. For example in Iran blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been held since 2005 for insulting the Supreme Guide Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Currently fifteen countries are on a list with Iran as being enemies of the internet by Reporters Without Borders (The 15 enemies of the Internet and other countries to watch). The countries consist of Belarus, Burma, China, Cuba, Iran, Liyba, The Maldives, Nepal, North Korea, Sudia Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. Wither on the home front or abroad the internet is being threatened.
1. Explain FCC first, then you can refer to it as FCC later.

2. I try to avoid things, stuff, etc. Maybe use “tools?”
3. Sounds kind of iffy IMO. Maybe “The censoring includes any material…”
4. Possibly combine sentences? e.g. “…offensive to minors, including inappropriate…”
5. Should there be quotes-Is this a citation? Maybe you could include it into the sentence. When you paraphrase, I think you only need to cite after you’re done paraphrasing.
6. Need comma, but I’d rephrase it to say “For example, blogger xxx has been held in Iran…” or “Iranian blogger xxx….”
7. Is without capitalized?
8. Is this a citation?
9. Maybe use a semicolon?

I'll add more in a newer post if you want. I can also critique your essay if you want-I've been focusing on grammar. (This helps me in AP English-which I'm having trouble with).

(Am I beating Kibble for the Grammar Nazi award? :P )

Rip this POS to threads, grammar and writing. We got the due date extended until Wednesday so I have plenty of time to change sutff.
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by NateN34 » Mon Mar 29, 2010 4:48 pm

*Cough*
Spoiler:
Microsoft Word
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by bassmasta » Mon Mar 29, 2010 4:59 pm

NateN34 wrote:*Cough*
Spoiler:
Microsoft Word
*Cough*Noteveryonehasahundreddollarstobuymicrosoftoffice*Cough*
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by NateN34 » Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:03 pm

bassmasta wrote:
NateN34 wrote:*Cough*
Spoiler:
Microsoft Word
*Cough*Noteveryonehasahundreddollarstobuymicrosoftoffice*Cough*
:lol: Lmao
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by collinE » Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:21 pm

I'm approaching the tail end of a pretty intense writing course and I know that my professor would bust my chops for this line

Code: Select all

For reference “If you converted all the text in the Library of Congress into digital format, it would equal about 20 terabytes (or 20,000 copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica). In October 2001, the Internet Archive's collection of online data contained about 10 billion web pages -- over 100 terabytes of data and growing.”
With the exponential growth of the amount of information now stored compared to 2001, the data in the quote is pretty outdated. We're talking about almost ten years ago when DVDs were still new and majority of people had dial-up. Aside from that, it's a fantastic quote.

I feel like the criminal activity argument was too easily dismissed. It's a lot more compelling of an argument than you give it credit for and waiving it aside by saying "Anyone who plans on committing a crime is going to commit it guide or not." is a less than mature way of addressing it.

I'd also feel more comfortable if there was more of a conclusion and wrap up of ideas.

Hopefully, you don't take the criticism too harshly. I really enjoyed it.
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by kingpin901 » Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:34 pm

No other time in history has such a recourse been available.

looks kind of funny the way it's said.

I'd go more for:
In the past, such a service was not available to everyone.

Over the last twenty years, the internet has been attacked relentlessly by governments, businesses and parents.
The comma could be added to bring more sense to the phrase. Without it, it looks as if your trying to combine two ideas in one.

The work consists is used more than often. You should use another alternative.

EX: The censoring consisted of anything that could be deemed harmful or offensive to minors. This consists of inappropriate matter, electronic mail, chat
two times in two phrases that are one after the other.

The censoring consisted of anything that could be deemed harmful or offensive to minors. This consists of inappropriate matter, electronic mail, chat rooms, unlawful online activities, and material deemed harmful for minors (Federal Communications Commision).
Looks like repetition
I'd go more for:
This consists of electronic mail, chat rooms, unlawful online activities, and other media that the Federal Communications Commision finds inappropriate.

Wither on the home front or abroad the internet is being threatened.
Go for : Whether on the home front[...]

The internet is the world largest collective of all types of information ever conceived.
Go for: The internet is the world's largest [...]

For reference “If you converted all the text in the Library of Congress into digital format, it would equal about 20 terabytes (or 20,000 copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica).
You would need to add ``:`` after reference giving: For reference: “If you converted all the text in the Library of Congress into digital format, it would equal about 20 terabytes (or 20,000 copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica).

The sheer amount of information like culture, scientific studies, recipes and most of what you could conceive is someplace on the internet.
I'd go more for: [...] could conceive is somewhere on the internet.

The idea that any of that could be lost forever by censorship is appalling.
Would need to be changed to what in order to make sense.

Mankind has created something amazing and because of political, religious and other views that creation it is threatened.
Would opt for: religious and other views, that creation it is threatened.

Just the sheer availability of this information is incredible.
Why is that? You're view is not explained thus staying nebulous to the reader.

Saying the average household has 100 books would most likely be generous.
From where do you hold this information? Prove your idea.

While some activists for web censoring ignore this it is the savoir of free internet.
-> While some activists for web censoring ignore this,they are the savoirs of free internet.

As long as the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court stand the internet will remain un-censored.
-> As long as the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court stand, the internet will remain un-censored.

If the U.S. were to decide USPS was in trouble and therefore starts blocking DHL and FedEx’s websites it would prohibit capitalism. Another scenario could be the censoring of information about the Middle East. With this wealth of information gone, propaganda would become one of the largest sources of information.

->If the U.S. were to decide USPS was in trouble, and therefore starts blocking DHL and FedEx’s websites, it would prohibit capitalism.

Knowing what the culture of the Middle East really was would become exponentially harder and could cause misguided hate and racism.
-> Don't really understand your point of view. Did you mean: Knowing what the culture of the Middle East is like could cause misguided hate and racism.

That's what I found. Hope this helps :o
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Re: So I'm writing a research paper

Post by gamemasterAS » Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:05 pm

NateN34 wrote:*Cough*
Spoiler:
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I'm not asking for spell checking. I'm asking for people to rip apart my arguments and grammar.So just *cough* on out of here.
.

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