
But, alas, I have no idea how to do that.

NOTE: Before you tell me to try an NES or an N64 first, let me tell you that I can't because I only have enough money to buy the stuff for one portable (If not less) and I don't want to waste it on something that isn't fun (like my old, dusty, broken N64). I understand that this is the default response for a noob who wants to tackle a big project, and that you are only trying to help, but I just can't.
Thank you!

Anyways, I probably could figure out how to do it with the "FAQ and How To" topic, but following such an exact and detailed guide whilst having no experience leaves no room for creativity or design.
Simply put, I don't care if my gamecube is chunky or ugly (though a pretty one would be nice) and all I care is that the battery lasts and is rechargable without removing it, it has the wiikey or qoob hack, and I don't break it, or myself, making it.
So I want to learn how to:
* Safely remove all of the useless circuitry (expansion ports, video ports the screen doesn't use, player 3 & 4 ports, etc.)
* Put a qoob or wiikey in in a way that I can access the files on it easily and be able to transfer backups onto it without dismantling the system
* Connect the components: circuits, screen, controller, memory ports, etc. in a way that they work without the things I removed, and so that they are rigidly connected (because they will probably be stacked)
* Choose the right battery, shooting for longest play time for lowest price
* Hook up the battery, without killing myself, so it can be charged without removal
* How to find how much space the guts will take up and design an appropriate case
If you can direct me to some help it would be greatly appriciated.
I apologize if this is a hefty request or one often made, but I had no luck searching the forums.
Thanks!